The Gravy Fiend

Travis was a gravy fiend. He didn’t want to be a gravy fiend, but we can’t really help who we are. He spent every day sucking up gravy from his gravy carpet. He preferred to consume gravy this way. It felt nice and the slurping sound it made aroused him.

Travis was a lonely man. The only person he knew was the lady who delivered his gravy every other day. She was a nice woman. Sometimes she bathed Travis and scoured the gravy chalk from his body hair. They didn’t really talk much. Travis was too afraid to talk at length. The only word he knew was ‘bashful’, which made conversation difficult. He intoned that word in many different ways to at least try to convey the way he felt. It rarely worked. The gravy woman would just politely smile and continue pouring gravy on his carpet.

Travis felt the most alone immediately after the woman left. Her movements through his home were like a spoon stirring a bowl of stagnation. It never took long for the stagnation to settle again. Rather than dwell, Travis would just resume sucking carpet gravy until he fell asleep. Some nights sleep refused to arrive, so Travis had to keep sucking and fighting the mounting exhaustion.

Travis gradually grew more and more attached to the gravy lady until one day, he decided he wanted to make her his wife. He didn’t know how to approach this. It was unlikely that she’d want to marry a man who spent every waking hour sucking carpet gravy but, at the same time, he knew he couldn’t stop. The only solution in his mind was to kidnap her.

The next time the gravy lady arrived, Travis acted calm. He watched as she emptied her large gravy vat onto the carpet. When the vat was empty, he stabbed the lady and shoved her limp body inside. With his mission complete, he started sucking the gravy again.

A few days later, Travis heard knocking sounds coming from within the vat. He was relieved, because this meant the gravy lady was still alive. He stabbed her harder than anticipated and she lost a lot of blood. Travis didn’t want to be a murderer – he just wanted a wife.

He was afraid to open the vat. There was a possibility the gravy lady would be angry and Travis didn’t deal with confrontation well. If he opened the lid and she started yelling, he’d be terribly ashamed. So he waited. Days turned into weeks, which became months. The knocking never stopped. The gravy carpet was now running out of gravy and he was getting worried. He had never run out of gravy before. He didn’t know what to do. If he let the lady out, she might yell at him. If he kept her in the vat, he would have no more gravy.

Deciding that it would be easier to deal with confrontation than run out of gravy, Travis opened the gravy vat. He was very nervous as he did this. He braced himself for a verbal tirade and peered inside. The gravy lady was nowhere to be seen. At the bottom of the empty vat was a phone number. Hoping this was the number for more gravy, he called it. After three rings, an automated message began.

If you would like more gravy, say YES now.

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